His grace is sufficient!

Yesterday I was weak y’all! I was weak and I cried. I wasn’t weak because I cried. I was weak because I uttered words that were awful and selfish. What I am about to tell you is not pretty, and I’m not looking for sympathy or pity. I only mean to tell you that I am human and still struggle with my flesh and sin.
The awful words I uttered were, “It makes life not worth living.”
The sad truth is I uttered these words without even having all the details I was looking for. Open enrollment for insurance is this week and we have been waiting to see if we will have infertility coverage going into next year as well. Unfortunately my hubby’s enrollment website is extremely vague and we are unable to tell if we do indeed have the same coverage. Currently it appears we most likely will not. I’m sick to my stomach thinking about it and thoroughly disappointed that his company would decide to cut this service.  But, again we still don’t know for sure until we get our answers from his HR director and are able to call the insurance company later. Apparently election day is a holiday so they were closed yesterday. My need answers now type A heart is racing as I wait for clarification.  This situation of course led me down the rabbit trail of being upset with having to go down the road of infertility. If we aren’t pregnant this month, and we truly don’t have coverage next year, that means we only have maybe 2 months where IUIs would be covered.
My heart aches in the waiting. Instead of crying out to God first I called my mom. It’s my human nature to do that first when it should be the reverse. I’m thankful she listens to me when I say the awful things I say, but I know it’s not easy for her to hear those things either. I cried out to the Lord second. His grace reminded me that every life is precious and that there is so much I have that makes life worth living. Today I have God, I have my health, I have my husband, and my daughter. I have a dad that on his off day joyfully agreed to watch Sara Grace since her daycare was closed and a mother in law who last minute makes the hour and a half drive to come watch Sara Grace when she has a fever and doesn’t feel well.  I was able to stay warm in the comfort of my home last night when there are families who lost their homes in Tornadoes two days ago. There are mothers grieving the loss of their children and women grieving that they haven’t been able to have a child yet. There are families dealing with the effects of cancer treatment right now. I’m sorry to those I wasn’t keeping in my heart when I uttered those words.

Phillipians 4:19 says, “My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus”
God has promised to supply all our needs. What we don’t have now, we don’t need now.
But what does that truly mean? It doesn’t mean we get everything we want. It means that God knows what is best for us. And for the believer we believe it but because we are still human it can be hard to trust that. After my emotional day I came upon an article that led me to this verse and she words it perfectly by saying the following:

“God’s ideas about our flourishing are different than ours. We think flourishing means eight hours of shut-eye, a good job, being surrounded by people who treat us with respect, being given the opportunity to succeed at something, good medical care, a loving marriage, and happy children. Those are good things, but they are not the things God is most concerned about supplying us in this life for our flourishing.

In God’s economy, we flourish when our need for him is met in him. Dear brothers and sisters, there is no circumstance under heaven that God isn’t using to grow us into oaks of righteousness. There is no need that he won’t fill with himself. The promise is really true: God really will supply all our needs according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19). There is nothing we truly need that is not found in Christ.

Even more, the circumstances of being denied an earthly need or desire are often his tailored means of accelerating our holiness and happiness in him. When we want, we are given more of Christ. When we suffer, our solidarity with him grows.”

Jesus makes life worth living. And when I am so weak that I dare utter the words, “It makes life not worth living” Jesus is there in my solidarity as I suffer with open arms to let me know He is all I need.