the great I AM

A few weeks ago in Bible study we were discussing all the names of God/Jesus. Yahweh (God), Abba (Father), Elohim (God my creator), El Shaddai (God almighty) El Elyon (God most high), and many others. The one that has always intrigued me the most is I AM. It is considered to be the greatest name of The Lord and it is his personal name.When God deemed himself the I AM he was establishing not only His deity but the fact that He is complete in every aspect. If we use the words I am attributing something to ourselves we generally follow it with another word or words to further describe ourselves. I am tired (A LOT), I am a woman, I am a mother, I am a daughter, I am shy, I am capable, etc. To me when God says I AM the tense always confused me, because although I know that God is omnipresent and the Alpha and the Omega, my education in english/literature has caused difficulty in truly grasping God as I AM. When God claims He is I AM He is enforcing that He is always, was always, always will be, and that’s just it….He is so complete and so holy and and everything He ever could be ALWAYS and always has been and always will be. He is I AM. There is no need to follow I AM with any other words.
(Check this out…it explains the important details far better than I could. https://www.desiringgod.org/messages/i-am-who-i-am)
God as I AM has never made more sense to me than it did 2 days ago. This may take a little while to get to the point but bear with me. I started EMDR therapy a few weeks ago. Think of the movie Insidious but not anywhere near that scary! EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing is a form of psychotherapy in which the person being treated is asked to recall distressing images while generating one type of bilateral sensory input, such as side-to-side eye movements while following a light or hand tapping. I use both and watch a little neon green light ping pong across the screen while holding a small buzzing device in each hand that is in sync with the dot. I am seeking EMDR through a Christian counselor for an event that happened to me many many years ago. I won’t go into details about it, but it’s something that for a long time has caused me shame and embarrassment and until recently I never thought of it as a source of trauma until my counselor told me the majority of people who have endured this kind of trauma generally don’t see it as a trauma.
We started off a few weeks ago with positive associations, finding my “happy place” you could say. I was to focus on this image while being asked a series of questions and about events/details such as sounds and smells. Every few seconds we’d take a break and I would be asked about how I felt thinking about those images and then I would focus on those relaxed feelings while keeping my positive place in mind. This first session wasn’t so bad at all. I went into that appointment feeling extremely anxious because I was not wanting to get to the negative associations. Over the next several days I was to utilize focusing on that image in stressful situations to work on controlling anxiety. It seemed to help in a lot of high stress situations like during heavy traffic, moments of frustration, etc. One of my biggest downfalls is my temper so I definitely still have a long ways to go but it’s a new tool in my toolbox. I’ve always heard “Think of you’re happy place” but something about doing this through EMDR made it much more realistic to achieve.
We got to this week and I knew going into my appointment we would be going over the negative events and processing through those. My anxiety going into the appointment wasn’t too bad but I definitely was not looking forward to it. God is good though and I had several friends reach out to me early in the morning to let me know they were praying for me.
As we started the session I was able to recall lots of details about the location this event occurred. The image in mind changed every few seconds and I began to see details in many of the surrounding areas as well. I was confused because this didn’t necessarily have anything to do with the event but my counselor said this was completely normal. At one point I started to feel like my brain would not let me get to the actual event but with the right prompting I finally did. I did not want to talk about it but I was able to. I could feel my body tensing and fists clenching. Once I was able to visualize the traumatic event we took a break and I was asked about how I would attribute positive things to that situation. Let me tell you that is the hardest thing to do with EMDR. Associating positive things with negative things can feel almost impossible. My counselor understands how difficult that is and is able to ask me questions that help me find positive associations. When we go back to the traumatic event he begins to remind me of those positive associations while continuing to focus on the traumatic event. This is where it gets weird. The image began to change to a place where I felt safe and I was prompted to focus on the feeling safe. Then, I went back to the location where the event occurred only this time I was alone…only I wasn’t really alone. I was sitting in a room and all I could focus on was God’s voice saying “I will never leave you or forsake you.” I mean clear as day that is the only thing that mind would focus on. And it felt like He was sitting right next to me with His arm around me and comforting me. I began to weep, truly weep, but they were tears of feeling safe, and comforted and loved.
This traumatic event occurred when I was probably 6 or 7. I was extremely young and this was LOOOONNNNNNGGGG before I ever had a relationship with God. But He was there. He was there for me then just like He is now. I struggle recalling scripture to memory when I’m trying to apply it to something but recalling Him saying “I will never leave you or forsake you” was nothing of my doing. That was literally the only thing I was able to focus on and it truly was like I was not even in the counseling office. The experience was so vivid and so powerful that it blew all of my expectations away. I could not get God’s voice out of my head and I wanted to remember the context and rest of the verse that went along with what I heard so I went to my bible after the appointment and I easily found Deuteronomy 31:6,
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Mind blown! And it shouldn’t be, because, well God! What amazes me so much is that His voice was so audible and allowed me to see Him in that event and know that He was telling me exactly what I needed to hear in that moment and change my perception of an event that used to make me afraid and ashamed to something that allowed me to see Him present even from the early parts of my life where I didn’t recognize Him. God is the great I AM! Even before I had a relationship with Him, He was and is the great I AM! The fact that I saw and heard Him so well during this experience gave me the biggest understanding of His name of I AM. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully explain why, but it just makes perfect sense to me. I hear people recounting stories all the time of how they were aware God was in the details later after an event has passed but that has not always been easy for me to see. That has been my experience with this though. God was still there before I even knew Him, and He still is, and He always will be. Forsake means to abandon. I’ve never really thought about that word till now, but in the context of this experience I can truly say I know God will never abandon me and He hasn’t. I was told after the session was over that sometimes hours, days, and weeks later as my brain is continuing to process things and imagery may come up or feelings, headaches can happen, and sometimes even crazy dreams can occur. All of the above happened to me throughout that day and night, but God’s voice remained clear, “I will never leave you or forsake you.” I’ve gone from feeling wary and anxious about EMDR to being excited about where the potential for healing begins. God is with me every step of the way. He is with me now, and He will be with us as we travel to Dallas next week.
He was also with me last week in a BIG BIG way! I had my ultrasound last Wednesday and my OB’s office was supposed to fax those results to the specialist. Friday rolled around and I realized I had not heard from the specialist’s office about send my prescription in for the femara and ovidrel injection. I had emailed Dr. Saleh’s nurse early that morning, like 6:00 early because I had forgotten to tell Dr. S that I do have a cyst they may see on the US but it’s not related to femara or clomid use and was there before we even began trying to have children. My former OB called it a wolffian duct cyst. 1:00 pm rolled around when I realized I had no response and then it dawned on me that the OB clinic probably hadn’t faxed the results yet. I started to panic because I knew Dr. S’s office closed between 3 and 3:30. I hurriedly called my OB office to leave a message for the nurse and then I panicked again because I know that usually she doesn’t listen to calls and return them till 5:00 or after!!!! I decided to be a little pushy and contact the front office staff. I let them know how urgent the situation was and how timely it was because I could not start my meds till the ultrasound had been reviewed. By this time it was almost 2:00 and I was headed to a patient’s house that I get ZERO cell phone reception. Tears started to well up in my eyes because I had no idea if it would all work out, and all I could do was pray and hope that when I left my patient’s I would have an email or a voicemail. It took me 30 minutes to get to that patients and I was there another 45 minutes so it was about 3:15 by the time I left. My phone rang the exact moment I crossed back into an area with a signal and it was the nurse from the specialists. They had seen my ultrasound that had just been sent and she said it was good that I had emailed her that morning about the wolffian duct cyst because they would have considered it as problematic. An important reminder to keep good medical records and relay as much information to doctors as you can. I almost didn’t send that email because I figured they would have just known. God orchestrated the details perfectly where I was able to maintain peace of mind and everything worked out to start my medication when I was supposed to. I also had a voicemail when I got into the area with signal from my OB office nurse and she said they had trouble getting the ultrasound faxed and had to end up calling the specialist to get a good number. If they had sent it and been successful immediately then I may have missed that phone call from the nurse. But God!
I finish my femara tomorrow. Still no side effects which is so wonderful! I will travel with Sara Grace to Dallas and on Monday  if my ultrasound shows that follicles are mature and ready I will get my ovidrel injection and then Danny will travel to Dallas so we can do the IUI the following day. My prayer is that follicles will be ready so we don’t have to delay our days anymore. It’s been tricky navigating my home health schedule around it all, but I am still so thankful for a job that allows for that flexibility. In the event that we do have to postpone a day or two I will have to schedule my patients back a day or two. If you would please join me in prayer that my body is responding well enough that Monday will be a good time to receive the injection. We are faithfully believing that God can and will perform a miracle through this procedure. I would also like to ask for prayer that I might be sensitive to others that may be in a waiting room with us. Sara Grace will be with me so I am harboring feelings of guilt that I will be in a fertility clinic with my child and I’m hoping it will not be an emotional trigger for some who may be in the waiting area with me. And pray for boldness that I might reach out to someone and make a connection in any way either to offer a prayer or a word of encouragement. Perhaps everything we’ve been through is for this time so that I might provide a light of hope with a kind word. The story of Esther and God’s divine intervention in preparing her as queen for a specific time and purpose is fresh on my mind. (For context take some time to watch this AWESOME sermon from Dr. David Platt we had at our church Sunday https://www.facebook.com/BroadmoorSHV/videos/788981908106843/?hc_ref=ARTAAaUa613qxtXTfdNJwnvMBfL4TjP29nvEg-rcm6ip92RYxxcOQ7xjmxHTP2WdTqE&__xts__%5B0%5D=68.ARCqbYczinQAnU3evSu6ZcafeMOCEWBZpEUxCr4RdEBcJ6kXh177XevwqzynskOl7n_8nogITzOsddOwgj3j1a9ONFbqe3ANDibU2euJV8ciK6p7765zw7y-qLoITiSJBaYswv7rt9bylAnnvltV2P5dsQ7l0gMm_O5eILdsISygIyPPUnCgV25yhWxuko5_G45bHo5SlYJcWbZIv6tbvCGVJgF5GBGxkXY8PjNIM-H4ZktLfuSx-cJa6zql_Nm6T-d2JcepbUmk53zbhq-Dfva3FQWnaPGN5UR0WPbnXJj9NgPOj7q0Pj4DzJub3z9N_Y8a24e3j8_n5aL2ZFSuhbKzg3mw&__tn__=FC-R )
Thank you so much for your support and prayers! They don’t go unnoticed and as we approach Thanksgiving tomorrow I most certainly count you all as my blessings!