Let hope arise

C.S. Lewis once said, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pain. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

The weekend after Thanksgiving fear started to creep in. For some reason my body was showing ALL the signs of trying to ovulate early. My advanced digital OPK started to give me high fertility readings as well. I was so terrified that I was going to ovulate before my appointment Monday before they could give me the trigger shot. If your body starts it’s own LH (luteinizing hormone) surge naturally then the HCG shot doesn’t really do what it’s supposed to. Also the timing of our IUI would have been WAY off and the egg would be almost non viable by the time any swimmers met up with it. Our specialist says the egg lives for 2 days once released but almost every medical journal/article and fertility specialist website says 12-24 hours is the time frame the egg has to be fertilized. I enlisted the help of my prayer warriors to pray that my body would just hold off long enough to make it to my appointment. I sat in church unable to concentrate on anything except what I was feeling in my body. I hate that I allow myself to do that instead of just focusing on what God has in store for me with time well spent with Him. That’s when He shouted though. A week ago we were in church and after we left I started thinking about the music. I always love our worship whether traditional or DOXA (contemporary). It is truly amazing how God can speak to you when you fully surrender in worship. When I first became a true follower of Christ there was a popular song that hit me so hard in the feels every time I would hear it. It’s called Beautiful Things by Gungor
(PLEASE PLEASE listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpOPkzplHRw ), and it is one amazing song. It spoke so loudly to me when I was starting to question who I was, and who God was, and who I was with God. A week ago leaving church I started to think about this song and how it’s been so long since I’ve heard it. At least a year or two. I started to wonder if we would ever hear it again in contemporary worship. As I entered the worship center Sunday I was still having the anxiety of whether I would begin to ovulate too early. I was legitimately about to cry. I then opened my bulletin and there it was, the song list, and the very first song listed was Beautiful Things. Weeping pursued. Lots and lots of weeping. God knew my heart and He knew I needed that song. He knew I needed seeds of hope planted that day! Some of the lyrics go as follows:

The last song on the worship list was another one that causes some deep feels. It’s Hope’s Anthem and when I see the title on the bulletin it’s always one I can’t recall the lyrics till I start to hear it playing. (For your listening pleasure:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_sfxjqXdPg ).
These are the lyrics that stick out to me the most:

He is the hope of the nations
The father’s heart we’re embracing
He is the song we’re declaring
He is the joy, He is my joy

While this song has soooo many reasons of giving me hope and joy there is another reason related to our future children. I told you a few blogs ago that I already have girl and boy names picked out for future children. I haven’t wanted to share them because, well, that’s just the easiest way in the world to have your name “stolen” and it has felt like it wouldn’t seem as exciting to share when the time comes to. I’m about to get over that though and share with you one of those names because there is a story behind it and I hope it becomes a part of our story when all these details come together beautifully and I can say “God did that!”
Our girl name is Josephine Joy. I’ve told you that name meanings are pretty important to us. Biblical application is also an important consideration. Josephine is the female form Joseph. In the bible Joseph was the son of Jacob and Rachel, a story of God providing to a couple who also had difficulty conceiving. Josephine is also the name of Danny’s other grandmother. Remember his other grandmother is Sarah so the hope is to have both girls named after them. His grandmother Josephine actually didn’t really like her name at all. Like really really didn’t like it from what I’ve heard. She went by Dody, and from the many stories people have shared she was a pretty special and amazing lady. I LOVE the name Josephine. What 90s kid wouldn’t growing up watching Dawson’s creek? And the name also has close ties to the same close friend who spells her name similar to SG’s.
But back to the meaning. Josephine means “May Jehovah add.” So, Josephine Joy translates to “May Jehovah add joy!” When I hear Hope’s Anthem I am reminded why I chose this name. Jehovah is my JOY!! And I want that to resonate with my children. I truly believe God has another girl planned for us. Several weeks ago I was on my weekly TJ Maxx trip and I found a picture frame that is JOY carved out in wooden letters and the O is the frame. I bought it because I have faith that we will get our Josephine Joy. While Black Friday shopping I also bought two stockings that match our current family initial stockings, and I bought one with a J because I am again having faith that we will have another girl. Monday night when SG and I were headed back to the hotel I was beginning to get panicked again about the IUI procedure Tuesday. I was at a red light and began to get extremely emotional, and that’s when I looked up at the street sign. It was Josey Ln. Josey what I imagine calling our other girl one day. And then yesterday while we were waiting for our procedure, I decided to go to the clinic’s facebook page as I sometimes do. I was looking at the reviews that didn’t have anyone’s name appearing, and I clicked on the first one and went to the profile of that person. Her name was Josie.
God finds any way He can to speak to us to calm us, to reassure us, to just show us He cares, and between the music Sunday and the little glimmers of hope involving the name Josephine, that’s just what He did. I’ve debated sharing this for 2 days now. My fear in sharing it comes from the thought “Well what if God doesn’t provide another child, and if He does, what if it’s not a girl?” But really, what if He doesn’t? That doesn’t matter, because at the end of the day God is still my hope and joy. And Satan will do all he can to put fear in us to prevent us from sharing the hope of Christ, and I’m not allowing him that satisfaction. Jehovah is my joy and I pray He adds joy to your life the way only He can!
Our joy was threatened Tuesday! When Dr. Saleh came in to perform the IUI he came with bad news. Sometimes it’s difficult to really understand what he’s communicating, but basically our sperm counts were back on the very very low side. Low enough to where the IUI has an extremely low chance of being successful. We proceeded with the IUI, and I am placing my hope in God that despite the odds, I know He can overcome them. Even though this prayer wasn’t answered how we were expecting, God still answered other huge ones. My body did hold off on ovulating early so I was able to get the trigger shot in time. My ultrasound showed 2 perfect sized follicles on the right ovary (the non scarred one), and I think I also ovulated from my left because of the pain I’ve been having. My uterine lining was the perfect thickness to allow for healthy implantation. Satan is tricky like that. When you get full of hope he’ll attempt to dash it against the rocks with bad news. But I’m not allowing him to take away the joy and good things that God has already done! I will not let Satan have any part of this story, because he is not the author of life and he is not our creator. God has prevailed no matter our circumstances, and if we do conceive we know that it will be another miracle to give credit to God. We will give Him praise in every circumstance though. Our other answered prayer was how well Sara Grace did on this trip. She was soooooooooo well behaved. Sweet as could be in the office. She brought a smile to every person she encountered whether in our hotel or in the clinic. As we get closer to two we are experiencing more meltdowns, and I was so nervous she would get flustered in the office because waiting is never any fun. But she exceeded all expectations and was just a peach.
Dr. Saleh’s recommendation is for Danny to begin clomid. It should boost his count, but we are following up with the urologist again as well to go over other options. Dr. Saleh says if our counts are not improved then we will move onto IVF. Not the news I wanted but not going there just yet. I have decided I will most likely keep my appointment with the specialist locally. That will be December 17th. The thought of traveling back and forth to Dallas feels very daunting, and I just don’t want to exhaust resources financially when we don’t have to. God is still good through it all, and my hope will continue to be in Him. Thank you friends for your prayers!