Triggers

The holiday season is always an emotionally charged time for me. Everything always seems more important, excitement is always increasingly special, and on the flipside the bad things that can and will occur seem even more sad. This last week has been a doozy of a week for me. It all started on Sunday. I was looking forward so much to Sunday because it was the start of Advent; my favorite part of Christmas because it restores the hope in waiting for Christ! Sunday ended up being one of those days though where I was just sad and felt so defeated. All I could focus on was the news we got at our IUI appointment when the Dr. told us our chances of success were low.  I’ve never understood how couples trying to conceive could decide to “take a break” until I reached that point myself on Sunday. It all just started to feel so overwhelming and once we hit that year mark it just seems exhausting to continue. I cried a lot Sunday. When it started to become too much to handle I went to my closet to cry some more and pray. My prayer was that I just didn’t think I could handle this another month. The emotions are just too draining. While I certainly don’t want God to take away the desire to have more children, I want the roller coast of emotions to not be so powerful over me. While I was praying I started to recall the story of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus knows he will soon be crucified and He prays for the cup to pass from Him, but only if it is the Father’s will. It hurt realizing that even this request from Jesus to the Father himself was not granted, but if the Father’s will had included rescuing Jesus from the crucifixion we would all be in a heap of trouble.  I may not get my yes, but I can trust that God’s will is for my good. Sometimes that is easier said than believed. Although He didn’t give Jesus a yes to that prayer, it was for the good of the world! Jesus is no stranger to the feelings we experience. Those feelings include both joy and sorrow. I am thankful that God lets me come to Him with all my feelings.
Sometimes I’m afraid to reach out to people on the bad days because I start to feel like I’m wallowing and complaining. I had to though on Sunday and I am so thankful for friends with a listening ear who let me vent with empathy and understanding and who continue to reach out to me. Sometimes it’s easy to feel forgotten in the midst of infertility, but it is so sweet to get encouragement when you most need it.
Sunday became Monday, and then Tuesday, and Wednesday, and now Thursday. This has been one of those weeks that just drags out. I’ve had multiple patients either not home or cancel on me. I’ve been running late on multiple days. Then, yesterday I got my first ever speeding ticket. It was an honest mistake. I truly thought I was in a 45 zone and the officer clocked me going 47, but unfortunately I was in a 35. I was about an hour away from home so obviously not an area I’m familiar with and this officer did not offer much grace, but as I sat in the car waiting for him to bring my ticket I decided to believe that God was delaying me from something bad later on down the road. Tears pursued during this encounter as well. Just before I got pulled over my mind was focused on a trigger that I wasn’t even expecting. The thing about emotional triggers is they show up when least expected sometimes, and they can come in many shapes and sizes. Triggers aren’t the same for all people going through infertility. Some people can look at sonogram pictures and pregnancy announcements and positive pregnancy tests all day without being triggered, while for others it can send the whole day into a crying frenzy. Facebook tends to be a HUGE trigger sometimes for me. Sometimes it’s just a comment that was never meant to be taken the way I take it. And other times it’s just something that reminds me that I have “just the one.” When I get triggered I have to let grace come into play, but sometimes that also means setting boundaries to keep from getting triggered. Boundaries are healthy. Sometimes boundaries can seem divisive, but sometimes they are necessary to maintain a healthful state of mind. It took me a long time to realize that it’s ok to have boundaries and counseling has helped me a great deal with that. Another area of triggers I am dealing with this week is the process of still testing out my HCG trigger shot. Last time I had one with Sara Grace I feel like it just gradually got lighter and lighter every day. This time around it’s not as simple and some days I have lighter ones then it will be darker again and then lighter again the next day! AAAAGGGGHHHH so frustrating. I can’t stop seeing lines everywhere!!! In case anyone is wondering what testing a trigger out looks like here is the last 4 days pictures. The top starting with 7 days past trigger and the bottom being 10 days past trigger. As you can see there is still a bit of a line there. I have to wait until 14 days past trigger though to see if a positive is really true or not. Just 4 more days of waiting. This has truly been the longest 2 week wait of the last year. I’m still not extremely optimistic but I know God can overcome the odds.

Right now we are scheduled to see the urologist on December 11th to go over options and see if Danny being on clomid really is our best choice Then, we have our fertility appointment in Shreveport on December 17th. It’s looking like I might be able to proceed with an IUI with him based on current dates, but I don’t know if he’ll go with it or if I will need to just do this next one in Dallas and then continue care in Shreveport. My biggest hope is he will understand why we went to someone else first to get this whole process started sooner.
This week I am clinging to Romans 12:12
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”
Even with the constant reality that triggers will happen, I refuse to let my pain overshadow the joy of this Christmas season.
As always thank you for your time and prayers!