The next step

Confession isn’t always pretty, but it’s necessary.
The Bible study I’m currently attending is a study in Philippians and it’s called “What Matters Most”. This last week we’ve broached the topic of suffering. It’s the often looked over part of Christianity because why would anyone want to accept a God that promises us there will be suffering in this life? Suffering is what grows us though. It connects us to others the way joy sometimes can’t even though joy is also a wonderful part of Christianity and life. If my life were great all the time every day and free of suffering how would you really ever believe that God were real or loving if you didn’t see His grace and mercy in the midst of events that caused suffering in your own lives? It’s through suffering that people really see the power of God. It’s so easy to question God when you are going through trial after trial yet see others living a good life all the time and never boasting of their suffering.
We question God when we suffer, but ultimately Jesus known as the man of sorrows, endured the greatest suffering ever known to man. And it was to bring God the glory He deserves.
Suffering tests our faith, it brings us down from a place of pride, and it brings us closer to God if we’ll allow it. I have been so angry in my suffering the last couple weeks. I have avoided writing anything on the blog because I just didn’t have anything “good” or “joyful” or “hopeful” to share. And you know what? That’s ok, because sometimes suffering happens, so why not share it?
A deep truth hit me hard this morning in my Bible study. It was having us read verses pertaining to suffering and had two columns. One for why we suffer, and the other what we do when we suffer. The verse that stood out to me the most was 2 Timothy 1:8,

“So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God.”

Why we suffer….for the gospel.
What do we do? Do not be ashamed, and join in suffering.

As I read “suffering for the gospel” I kept thinking about our infertility and telling myself that’s not really suffering for the gospel. And as I kept thinking about it, I realized that my attitudes and behaviors and actions concerning our infertility are what ultimately becomes my testimony and the way I react to my circumstance can be for the sharing of the gospel. And then the truth hit me even harder over some pretty selfish and awful things I’ve said this week. Here’s the confession I was talking about at the start of the blog.
I was talking to my dad a couple days ago and we were talking about why I didn’t want to call certain people, and I said “I’m going to have to listen to how excited they are over (and I’ll leave this subject out because it doesn’t really matter what the exact subject is)….” And my dad’s response was “Don’t steal their thunder! Look at the blessings you do have.” I wasn’t happy with that response at first but it was true. I can still be sad but share in joy with others.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 says, “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up.”
I have not been doing that in some areas. I have avoided situations and conversations because I was too selfish to encourage others or share in their joy even though God has called us to do that.

I’ve been going through this vicious cycle since we’ve started the IUIs. Each month starts out with a huge disappointment, and almost a deep depression, lots of tears and anger.
Then 2 weeks in I get excited and hopeful thinking about how my body is responding to the meds. And then when it’s time for the IUI, nervousness about what our counts will be. Then minimal optimism to guard my heart, but then it turns to hope, and then finally anger all over again at the no. I can honestly say the only time I remain very close to God is when I’m asking him for the hope when it comes to follicle size and sperm counts. I struggle meeting him at the beginning and end of a cycle. I’m sad to say our last IUI failed as well. Statistically if IUIs are going to work they will work by the 3rd one. Do I know friends who have gotten pregnant on their fourth, fifth, or sixth? Absolutely, but something about this 3rd one failing just hit me even harder and I told Danny I’m ready to move onto IVF. I wish I could say I had peace about it, but I go in waves of feeling ok with it and then not feeling ok with it. I went for my beta HCG test on Monday because Dr. V didn’t want me stopping progesterone in case there was a pregnancy. I knew it would be negative and of course it was. My prayer on the way to that appointment was that if IVF was in God’s will for us that the doors would be open to start that process this month, and they were. My consult is on February 20th, and I may begin the birth control to start the process that day or sometime sooner, still not sure on the exact timing of things. I go for my 3 day bloodwork this morning because Dr. V wants updated labs for egg quantity including LH, FSH, Estradiol, and AMH. I had all these labs done in October and all was good, but I’m so nervous that my AMH will be low this time. AMH is a predictive tool for ovarian reserve of eggs, but it’s also not the end all be all if it is low, especially since I have decent follicle counts. These numbers will mostly give Dr. V an idea of how to plan my IVF meds out and which ones we should do and what doses. The medication is probably the least daunting aspect of IVF to me. The thought of multiple embryos is what scares me the most because as a Christian I do believe life begins at conception, therefore when sperm meets egg. Dr. V is aware of my concerns with multiple embryos, but he still recommends fertilizing as many as possible because the chance of many even making it to a day 5 blastocyst is low for any individual, however there have been known cases where people fertilize 20 eggs and end up with 20 viable embryos. I don’t even know how many eggs he’ll retrieve when we get to that point but I still worry about that decision. Generally about 1/3 of a woman’s eggs at my age are chromosomally normal to create a viable embryo and generally 1/3 to 1/2 of the eggs fertilized will become a day 5 blastocyst. I keep telling myself if we have viable embryos we’ll just transfer them all over the years, but responsibly being able to afford a certain number of children is high on the priority list. The other mind boggling dilemma I’m facing is whether we choose pre genetic screening. A lot of people going through IVF choose not to do this, because getting pregnant naturally you wouldn’t know the probability of genetic mishaps, and also it can add on quite a bit of cost, around a few thousand extra dollars. By contacting insurance this week I found out that our coverage also includes pre genetic screening. So do we do it or not? I’ve read that PGS testing can have a high number false positives, and I’ve also read that embryos that show a chromosome abnormality can self correct it’s DNA! God is awesome like that! PGS testing can let you choose the best embryos with high success rates therefore saving time and expenses by preventing you from transferring the abnormal ones by just guessing. My thoughts right now would be to transfer successful ones first, and over the years still transfer the abnormal ones knowing they likely won’t make it, but having the peace of mind knowing I wasn’t ending a life by choice. (I’m not getting into a pro life/pro choice debate here, nor am I judging the decision of those who have made that choice. I am just talking about my personal beliefs related to my decisions) It’s soooooo much to consider and there are so many questions. I’ve finally begun writing them in a notebook so I can talk about them at our IVF consult. IVF isn’t just make an embryo with a sperm and an egg and then transfer! There’s so much more to it than that, and lots of people you know going through this could use your prayer and encouragement as they face the decisions that come along with this.
I learned this week that Louisiana considers an embryo a human with undeniable rights, and can not be discarded for any reason. We must sign an agreement to have any leftover embryos transferred to a facility in Texas and pay yearly storage fees on them. Once in Texas you have more options as to what you can do with your embryos, although like I’ve already mentioned I’m hoping we will be able to transfer the ones we have over the years and our specific prayer is that God would only make a way for our desired number to be achieved. Because Louisiana law considers these embryos  humans from conception, they also have a law that prevents you from selecting which embryos you transfer based off gender selection. Pre genetic screening does show the gender but the physician can not allow you to choose which embryo you prefer for gender in Louisiana. I am proud of Louisiana for recognizing life.
Along with storing these embryos in Texas we have to get legal documents formed for what our plans for embryos include in the event that Danny and I get a divorce or if one of us dies. Whether we want multiple frozen embryos transferred to Texas in one truck or two trucks and whether we want them insured for travel. Again, there are so many decisions to be made. I have been exhausted just from the constant running of my thoughts on a daily basis.
Our clinic provides a rather large packet of information and there was some recommendations to seek counseling if you felt like it may be needed and I think I am going to require it. If anything, I hope this particular blog has shed some light for you on just how many factors go into the decision making for beginning and going through the IVF process. We covet your continued prayers, and ask for them to continue.
Specifically for my day 3 levels to come back normal today, and just for discernment along the next few weeks that we would be in agreement over decisions and make decisions that are aligned with God’s will.