I’m literally sick to my stomach right now. I don’t know if it’s the anxiety from the uncertainty our future holds, or if it’s these new vitamins I’m taking that my Dr. recommended. Over the last several weeks I have been unable to settle my mind in a place of peace and I’m exhausted from the marathon my mind is running each day.
We have our IVF consult today…FINALLY, and I’m hoping it will bring some much needed answers and peace of mind. I opened my email last night to an updated IVF plan with dosage and medication inventory listed and saying that it is overwhelming is the understatement of the century.
I’ve never had what I would call anxiety, but over the last few weeks the majority of the day I feel like there is a big man sitting on my chest and I can barely breathe, and it feels like I could cry/hyperventilate at any moment. And sometimes I do cry. Thanks birth control (birth control when making babies? so confusing right? But it allows for better control of the IVF cycle).
My shoulders are full of tension and pain that extends up into my neck and down into my back. I’m so thankful for my job in home health these days because it provides me with a lot of alone time in the car to just kind of process everything in quiet. I feel like I get overstimulated easily these days when I’m around a lot of people or noises and that hasn’t been a normal for me before.
I saw my counselor yesterday, and it’s been a few weeks since I’ve been, so I was glad to have that appointment. Over the last few weeks I have felt obsessive over this whole process. Constantly researching ways to improve IVF success. Reading new books on improving egg quality. A lot of days I feel like people are getting tired of hearing me talk about it all, but talking about it out loud is the only thing that helps me process it all and think about the decisions we’ll get to eventually. In the last few weeks I’ve been told that I just needed to get over it, and that really hurt. Hearing that made me question if I did need to stop talking about our situation so much, but why should I? The whole purpose of me sharing is to make people aware of how deep all this really goes. It’s not a simple thing, and it causes so many emotions to come up, and for so long infertility and IVF has been such a taboo topic. I was able to talk to my counselor about my feelings of being obsessed with it all and he allowed me to talk about the whole process and was just amazed at how involved every step is. He reminded me of my safe places to go, and reminded me that I do have a supportive village. If you are one of my safe places to vent and talk I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
The financial aspect of it all is still stressing me out. While we are extremely fortunate to have AMAZING infertility coverage we likely will still be paying a few thousand dollars out of pocket. One of my prayers going into all this was not to increase our debt significantly. I have battled back and forth and back and forth with trying to figure out a way to raise funds without directly asking for it. I’ve considered a yard sale, but I don’t think we really have that much to put in a yard sale. I know I don’t want to do a GoFund me because it’s just a completely different situation than adoption or missions fundraising. And there’s also no guarantee of success with it.
What I do know is God has blessed me with the skill of baking, and I’d like to be able to use that in some way. My plan right now is to have a few raffles over the next few weeks. A cake, and possibly two different sets of decorated cookies. I’m thinking of raffling off these items and raffle entry is 3$ per entry. With a fundraising effort like this I am contributing something in return and that makes me feel a little better about it. I struggle with knowing if it’s the right thing to do or not, and I’d like to be as transparent as possible about it. Our insurance covers 90% of IVF, and that includes egg retrieval, fertilzation with ICSI, cryopreservation of embryos, genetic screening, pretty much all of it. The medications cost upwards of $8,000 dollars. All in all we’re looking at a cost of around $17,000 dollars, but could be more or could be less. I’ll find that all out this afternoon at our consult. Out of pocket we are probably looking at spending around 2 to 3,000$. I feel like that is an attainable goal with a raffle or at least a good portion of it is attainable. Where my heart is leading me is that should we raise enough funds to cover our expenses and potentially have any left over, I’d like to donate the remaining funds to another couple going through infertility treatments, or even to Heart of Hope in Shreveport. Heart of Hope is a sanctuary for for young ladies between 11 – 23 years of age who are experiencing an unplanned pregnancy. Their mission is to provide a safe haven where residents can center all their efforts on the decisions that are before them; being a single-parent or choosing adoption. Focusing on their physical, emotional, educational and spiritual needs.
This week I came across a verse that I wasn’t familiar with and I was surprised that through all of my efforts in looking for Biblical truth related to infertility I had never come across this one.
Isaiah 66:9 states,
“I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord.”
There are so many different versions of the Bible and depending what version you read it may not be worded just like this. In fact a lot of versions sound more like this,
“Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery?” says the Lord.
“Do I close up the womb when I bring to delivery?” says your God.
But I really really liked how the first example resonated with me. I may be obsessing over our current situation, but how am I going to allow God to use the pain? It’s not all about me, and it’s not all about the answer I get in the end. He created me to love others and serve others, and I want to be able to find a way to do that through our story. I’m asking you friends to please consider contributing to our raffle when I get more details lined out.
If you want to ask my any questions at all about what finances will be contributed to then please feel free to personally message me. I’m an open book when it comes to all this and I will try to answer your questions as best as possible. I also ask that when we do make a more formal post with raffle opportunities that you be willing to share it with your friends as well. That includes sharing my blog along with it. I will post things mostly to my facebook and also provide updates here as well.
So for now the plan is to go to our consult today. We discuss the IVF process and go over our medication and plan. I will stop my suppression phase in early March and begin the stimulation phase in mid March. My tentative surgery for egg retrieval will be the last week of March, and then we still don’t know if we will be doing a fresh or frozen transfer, or even if we’ll have viable embryos to use. Lots of variables to consider!
Thank you for keeping up with me, and thank you friends for checking in on me, and thank you for your prayers, and thank you to those who are my safe place!
I love you all!
Making a Myers 