Waiting.
Waiting.
And more waiting.
What’s another week of waiting when it’s already been more than a year of waiting trying for baby #2? It’s an eternity I tell you! Yes an eternity! OK…OK. I may be over exaggerating but it still is a really difficult wait. But it doesn’t feel as difficult as the waiting last week when we were waiting on embryo growth updates. Las week was quite possibly the longest week of my life! Last week started out sooo full of hope when we found out they retrieved 12 eggs, and then even more hope when we found out all 12 eggs were mature and 8 fertilized. Even knowing the statistics that only 30-50% of day 3 embryos make it to day 5 blastocysts, I think I set myself up for disappointment thinking we’d be at that 50% and end up with 4 good embryos instead of the 30% and end with 2, which is what we did end up with. Praise GOD for those 2!! Those are the 2 we transferred. Saturday when we got to to the clinic for transfer we were told there was a 3rd embryo graded poorly and it would be given an extra day to try and improve in an effort to be frozen. Unfortunately we got the call today that it did not make it to freeze. That was probably the biggest gut punch through these last two weeks. I was really hoping we’d at least have 1 or 2 to freeze. I cried more today over losing that 1 little embryo than I did at the news Saturday that we’d lost 5 from our Wednesday report. I cried because it was still a life created that is now gone. I cried because I have no idea if these two little embryos in me are still thriving or if they’ll make it. I cried because it felt like a little hope had been robbed from me. I cried because so bad I want more children. I cried because I really truly expected to beat the odds with this 1st round of IVF, and we may yet, but today I just don’t feel like it’s going to be a successful outcome. Most women don’t get a positive home test till about 5-6 days past transfer, and doctors don’t recommend testing at home ever even the day of your blood test because home tests can still be negative while blood tests are positive. But, being the pee on stick addict I am, of course I already tested. And both tests I’ve taken are positive but there is still a strong possibility it’s residual HCG from my trigger shot even though it’s 11 days past it. While it’s probably going to make me go insane, I will likely still test every day for the next few days, because it’s something to pass the time.
The verse of the day on my Bible app the day of our transfer was Psalm 27:14.
“Wait for the LORD; Be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.”
I have been clinging to that verse since Saturday, but I’d be lying if I said was doing well in the waiting. I’m not feeling any different since the transfer. Maybe a pinching cramp here or there, but not anything like I had when I was pregnant with SG, and so honestly, I’m thinking we aren’t going to get the outcome we’d hoped for and desired. But even if we don’t, God is good and He has already blessed me with immeasurably more than I could ever deserve. I will continue to wait for His plan to be fulfilled, and while I hope that’s sooner than later, I know His plans are far better than mine. I just need a little extra help from Him believing that.
Our blood test is Monday. I am thinking I will need a hiatus from social media soon. I plan to get all my cookie orders done Easter week and update through FB, then after that will likely deactivate my account. Nothing personal, just something I need to do to decompress. Lots of pregnancy announcements and birth announcements here lately, and while I am more than thrilled for these beautiful blessings, it is finally getting to where my heart does not have the right attitude when I see them pop up first thing in my news feed.
Good things are happening in Shreveport/Bossier for the infertility community, and there is a Christian support group meeting at a local church. I am planning to attend that tonight and hope to have sweet fellowship with some new people and meet new friends and be able to offer encouragement as well as heal from the negative emotions I get myself caught up in.
We continue to ask for your prayers in the waiting. Should this cycle be unsuccessful we will likely relax for six weeks then begin the cycle all over for another 6-7 weeks putting our next egg retrieval and transfer sometime in June. Of course I’m hoping we won’t get there, but I’m preparing myself mentally for that reality. Thank you for your continued support and encouragement.
Y’all! This meme! I lost it when I first saw it on another FB page! I had this same thought at the Dr. a few weeks ago. I always neatly fold my pants, and attempt to hide my drawers either in my pants pocket or purse like it would be some big ordeal for the Dr. to see them.
Making a Myers 