That’s what a negative pregnancy test should really look like, because let’s get real….
That’s what it feels like the universe is saying. And I swear, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen about 12 new pregnancy announcements pop up in my news feed in the last 3 days. Congrats, but man it still really stings especially surrounding the bad news we continue to suffer through.
Social media is the devil when you’re dealing with infertility. And what I thought would be helpful by joining multiple facebook IVF support groups….well, it actually turns out once you’ve had a failed IVF cycle you just get really really pissed off seeing every other thing of your timeline being about other peoples successful transfers, or positive tests, or better blastocyst outcomes. Comparison is the thief of joy, and let me tell you, my joy is sucked away today.
I’m not in a good place right now emotionally. We got the official “negative” call today, but I have been mentally preparing myself for it all weekend and managed to get a couple gallon of tears out on Saturday and Sunday so that I could handle seeing my patients today without looking like a complete hysterical crazy person.
I went into church yesterday angry as all get out because I am mad at God for allowing so many things to line up so perfectly in our favor through this cycle only to have it end the way it has. I am thankful for the sweet friend He did provide to greet me once I got in the building to intercept me and wrap her arms around me and just let me grieve and cry and pray over me. For every positive encounter like that though, the sinner in me struggles in the flesh recalling when folks haven’t reached out or said something that I misinterpret. Jesus fix it! I pray He will, because I truly know He has blessed me with so so much through this journey, but my heart needs so much healing.
Yesterday afternoon my mind was 1,000,000 places. I wanted to rent a hotel room and stay by myself and not tell anyone where I was and just turn my phone off and sleep. I wanted to drink a few bottles of wine and even contemplated buying a pack of cigarettes just because I could, even though I quit smoking 7 years ago. I had the thought of going to one of our local casinos and blowing through 500$in the chance that maybe luck would be on my side for once and we might be able to afford our next cycle. But instead I drove to the boardwalk and sat in my car for about an hour and cried and yelled at God and put some new nail polish strips on because it’s the only remotely sane thing I could do that didn’t seem too selfish or dangerous. Infertility sucks. It blows. It sucks the joy out of life. It’s freaking hard on marriage. It can make you look at your one absolutely amazing beautiful perfect child and make you feel selfish because you think she’s just a reminder of what you don’t have more of. I hate to admit that, but I never promised everything I write will be easy.
I’m feeling embarrassed because I’ve shared every single detail of this story in hopes that it might be successful and we’d all be able to celebrate in the end, but we’re not getting that happy ending this time. I’m left feeling open and gutted and the BFN (big fat negative) is just salt in the wound.
I don’t want to leave my house to go to the store, because I’ll likely pass the baby clothes aisle. I want to avoid certain functions and events because there are strong possibilities either pregnant women or babies will be there. I feel so out of control and selfish and irrational right now. Wherever hope is, it feels tucked away in a very deep unreachable place right now.
Thank God for His grace though, because He knows all of these thoughts I’m having and I’m unable to hide them from Him, which is why I’m sharing them with you. Because, God is HOPE!
The one thing I did take away from our sermon at church yesterday, while I tuned in and out during my bouts of anger was not something I wanted to hear but something I needed to hear.
Hebrews 5:7-9
“During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. 8 Son though he was, he learned obedience from what he suffered 9 and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him”
Did you catch it? He learned obedience through suffering. The Son. The Holy Lamb of God learned obedience through suffering. He cried for God to take him out of the situation he was in, but ultimately prayed for God’s will to be done and through suffering became obedient, even to the point of death.
I’m here to tell ya. I can preach that all day long, but in reality my unbelief makes it really hard to want to die to my desires. I need A LOT of extra help from God right now to get me through the tough days ahead. And He will get me through it. But some days are just tougher than others.
I don’t really know for sure what our next steps are. Dr. V himself called me this afternoon to give me the official news, and that meant a lot to me. We will likely schedule a follow up consult to discuss our next options. Basically we are going to push my ovaries a lot harder next go round…YIPPEE…note the sarcasm. I have asked for a diagnostic hysteroscopy to be performed because despite being on progesterone I continue to have bleeding, and I continue to wonder if my c-section scar is another element to that and our infertility. That may be done as early as next week. Our next IVF cycle will probably get started end of May and finish up in June.
If you’re following my facebook updates you will see we’ve already begun our next fundraising campaign. This time we are selling tee shirts. The design includes a pineapple with the phrase “HOPE ABOUNDS” arced above the pineapple, and then “ROMANS 15:13” arced below it.
Romans 15:13 states,
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
That hope that is somewhere in the deepest corners of my soul is only there because of the power of the Holy Spirt. And even on the toughest of tough days like today, and yesterday, and the day before yesterday, God gets me through with only the hope he can provide. Not hope for a child, but hope that His plan is good and perfect.
Friends I feel so awkward asking for funds, and the main reason I do raffles for things like cookies or for this tee shirt is because I want you to get something in return. While I think go Fund me is an amazing resource, it just hasn’t felt right for our situation. All that to say, if we can sell exactly 150 shirts, we will have met exactly the goal we need to fund our next IVF cycle. I beg you to consider helping. Every gift we have received so far is not taken for granted. There is also a place to just donate if you don’t wish to purchase a tee shirt. And if you choose not to donate, we continue to covet your prayers! Thank you for letting me vent today.
Here is the link to purchase shirts should you be interested. I designed them myself. There are multiple styles and colors available. The first link is for an adult style and the second link is for youth styles. Thank you again for every text, call, hug, and tear and offering encouragement when I need it most.
https://www.bonfire.com/making-a-myers/
https://www.bonfire.com/making-a-myers-1/
Making a Myers 