Waiting in Hope

Hi strangers! Sorry to have been gone so long! I’ve disconnected from social media to give myself time to reflect the last few weeks, and to keep my emotions in check as the last time I wrote I was getting ready to start and finish up IVF cycle round 2. I did most of my updating on Facebook that week, but for those of you who may not follow me on FB I’ll rewrite that journey out here. We only ended up getting 12 eggs again (the same as cycle 1). I was a blubbering mess that day, which I’ll attribute mostly to the side effects of anesthesia. When I got to the clinic the morning of egg retrieval the waiting room was already packed and surgeries were running behind. My surgery was supposed to be at 9:00 but I didn’t even get back to the prep room till 9. I was panicked because a lady came in and sat next to us that was clearly a smoker and from all the hormones I just couldn’t handle the smell. I asked if I could sit in the hallway to escape it and the front office sweetly obliged. When I woke up from the anesthesia I immediately asked Danny how many eggs Dr. V retrieved, and when he said 12 the pipes burst and tears came flooding. I’m sure the people in the curtain next to us thought I was crazy. My sweet nurse came in and held my hand and just let me cry and reminded me that 12 was a great number. We left and I was still a little upset. When I got home my sweet friend Kelli had offered to keep an eye on me so Danny could make it back to work. She let me cry on her shoulder, and then she helped rock my sweet baby girl to sleep for nap time so I could rest. A nap helped me get into a little better mood but I still wasn’t in a place of thankfulness like I should have been. The next morning we got our fertilization report. Out of the 12 eggs retrieved only 10 were mature, but 9 were fertilized. That’s one more embryo available than we had last time, but it was a much improved fertilization rate compared to our first cycle; 90% vs 66%. Studies have shown that fertilization rates are most indicative of successful implantation rates. By day 3 all 9 embryos were still growing. We went in for transfer day hoping we’d have several to freeze so we could do the ERA to check for uterine receptivity. Unfortunately when Dr. V brought us into the office the odds were against us again. We had poor quality embryos again; two were 3BCs and one was an early blastocyst so couldn’t even be graded yet, and a couple of others were CCs and not able to be frozen but they would give them an extra day. Dr. V tried something new on me for this cycle as a backup plan in the event that we would have to do a fresh transfer. I’m the first patient he’s ever done this for, but almost 20 years ago he had a written a paper on the effects of this drug for endometrial lining. He had me do an injection of neupogen on the day of my egg retrieval. It’s actually a bone marrow stimulant used for cancer patients, but it has been gaining popularity in the IVF world as an option for women who have had failed implantation or other immune issues affecting IVF outcomes. So, we had our backup plan in place and we transferred our 3 embryos. Back to waiting. I went home and cried some more because we had invested so much emotionally and financially so far on this journey. I just didn’t know if I had it in me to keep doing this with continued poor outcomes.  I had been doing a lot of reading in Romans the last couple weeks. Our workbook in my infertility support group had lots good stuff from Romans in our last lesson as well. I came across Romans 4:18 that starts with “Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed”, and I decided for the next week I would repeat this but replace Abraham’s name with mine. When doubt started to creep in I’d say to myself, “Against all hope, Alyssa in hope believed.” The day of our transfer when I was crawling into bed crying I did pray and I just surrendered it to God. I told him that I was putting this in His hands and was letting go of it all. Letting go of the control, because I wasn’t in control. I didn’t feel any different all week. I was preparing myself for another unsuccessful outcome. I told myself I wasn’t going to test early this time because I wasn’t going to set myself up for a weekend of disappointment like last time. My blood test was scheduled for Monday July 1st. Thursday July 27th I had to go to the grocery store. Before I left for the store I was walking out of my bathroom when I glanced in the mirror and noticed a weird complexion to my skin (a pregnancy symptom). I didn’t think much of  it at the time, but thought “Hmmm interesting” and then went on to the store. When I was pregnant with Sara Grace the grocery store was my favorite place to go because everything always smelled so good. The fresh produce, especially the fruits, but even more so than that, I distinctly remember going down the baking aisle and loving the smell of the marshmallows. I had a few baking items to get and needed some marshmallow fluff and when I turned down the aisle and reached up for the fluff the smell of marshmallows hit me like a ton of bricks. The wheels began turning and I said to myself, “There’s no way, I don’t even have any real symptoms.” I then went to the bread aisle, and what do you know….the smell of every loaf hit me just like the marshmallows so now I was really wondering if our cycle had worked. To test or not to test…
It was Thursday night and home pregnancy tests generally work better with first morning urine so I at least had to wait till the next day. Friday morning (June 28) got here and I got out of bed and went into the bathroom still wondering if I should test or not. It’s like the smell of those marshmallows was a little message from God assuring me it had worked.
I really didn’t want to see that blank white window with only 1 line staring back at me. I decided to go for it anyways. I had my walmart cheapie test and a more expensive more accurate first response test. I went with the walmart cheapie, and as I stared at the window I couldn’t tell if it was positive or not. It was so so so so faint that I was in complete doubt if it was positive or an indent but as it sat just a little longer some color appeared in the 2nd line. At that moment one of my girlfriends from a group of girls I meet with once a month texted in our group message asking me how I was doing/feeling. I told them I broke down and tested early and sent a picture of the test and they saw it too but agreed it was faint. I called Danny and told him there was a possibility I was pregnant but was just so unsure because of the test. Then I texted my loyal shot giver friend and she told me to take a first response but I said “No i’ve already peed and I just need to wait till tomorrow.” Well, I didn’t wait. I used 2nd morning urine to test with the first response and within 10 seconds a blaring POSITIVE 2nd line showed up! This was happening! We were pregnant after transferring our worst quality embryos! I of course called my mom next and then called one of my sisters in waiting to talk it out because I was in shock. I wasn’t due for my blood test for another 3 days, but I decided to email the fertility clinic anyways and ask for an early blood test so they scheduled me for the next day. Of course I started spotting that same day, and spotting unfortunately is very common in IVF pregnancies. I had my blood test at 9:00 Saturday morning and around 11:30 I got the phone call that I was officially pregnant! I was in the car with my mom turning into the Johnny’s parking lot, and then I got another piece of news on the phone call. One of our embryos made it to freeze!!! And, it was the best graded embryo that we’ve ever had, so we have a 4BA embaby waiting on us to transfer in the future!

The last few weeks have been filled with fear as I’ve continued to have spotting, but the fertility clinic and my OB clinic has been wonderful in giving me ultrasounds for reassurance and letting me talk out my fears. When The fear does creep in I keep reminding myself that God has brought us so far on this journey. He provided a way to be able to receive this treatment and He overcame the impossible and created this beautiful life in my womb!

Psalm 126:3 The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.

We had family pictures on June 24, 2 days after our embryo transfer. We didn’t know this at the time obviously, but we were pregnant, so the picture at the top of the blog is our first official picture as a family of four! What a surprise blessing!

This journey has been an adventure with many hills and valleys but God has been faithful to the end and shown me so very much grace! My heart continues to be with those enduring this trial, and even though my story is entering a new chapter, I continue to stand alongside those fighting the fight. If there is anything I’ve learned on this journey, it’s that no one should do this alone. God has used a local ministry, Waiting In Hope, to bring friends into my life that will be lifelong friends who have walked alongside me in this journey. They have encouraged me, they have cried with me, they have celebrated with me. And, they have helped me grow in God and restore my hope in God on the tough days. With infertility you don’t know what your outcome is going to be till you finally get there. The unknown is scary, but if you are a believer in God and Jesus, we are assured that our future isn’t unknown; maybe unseen, but not unknown.

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

We’ve been studying in Hebrews all year at church and it has some beautiful truths about the confidence we have in our future if we persevere in faith.

Hebrew 10:34-37
³⁴ You suffered along with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because YOU KNEW THAT YOU YOURSELVES HAD BETTER AND LASTING POSSESSIONS.³⁵ So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.³⁶ You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. ³⁷
For,“In just a little while,
he who is coming will come
and will not delay.”

While studying Hebrews the last couple weeks we have been talking a lot about perseverance and endurance. About three weeks ago in my Waiting In Hope group we were in Romans (which has also been crucial during this season for me) and were reading Romans 5:1-5.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope.⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

One of the questions in our workbook asked if God showed us something. As I looked at the word perseverance I began to think of how similar it looked to the word perseverate. I was mostly familiar with the word perseverate as  a medical term. Most people who perseverate suffer from a brain injury, disorder, or illness. It’s almost as if someone who perseverates gets stuck on a word or gesture and can’t stop repeating it.

I began to dig a little deeper into the two words and came upon something very eye opening.
Perseverate contains the word “persevere,” to continue determinedly, and perseverare, the Latin root, means “to persist.” When you persist with clear intentions, you persevere, but when those intentions are lost and only the persistence remains, you perseverate.

The next question in our workbook asked what the Lord was asking us to do, and it was clear to me that He was telling me to “Persist with intention.”
So that’s where I am now, attempting by the grace of God to persist with intention in all things! To my sisters in waiting, I continue to carry you in my hearts and encourage you to persist with intention!

This is not the end of my story, and I hope to continue this blog as a means to share my faith and journey with those willing to read. I wholeheartedly thank you for every prayer, gift, word of encouragement, shoulder to cry on, financial gifts, and every avenue of support you have offered me on these past almost 2 years! We praise God for this miracle and can not wait to share this child’s story with you! I know God has big things planned!